No more Lapses...

...because I'm not going to worry about missing a day here or there, especially at the moment. I will try and do one of these every day though, most days there's at least something worth blogging! Just putting the finishing touches to my DB assignment, so been very busy. Also Paul's (Paul of all people, who's last computer was an Amiga) bought this computer, I'm soooo jealous. I helped him choose it and set it up, I'll help him use it too (timeshare?) ;-) ...after all that I had a drink with him last night, and chatted (unusually for Paul) about religion: he feels exactly as I did at his age, that is, "my religion isn't perfect but it's the one true religion". We had a talk about Christmas and Birthday celebrations, silly things that prove (to me anyway) that the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses has "gone beyond the things written", and made laws (like the Pharisees) that God and his Son have not made. If Jesus came back in the flesh, I'm sure he would upset Witnesses just as much as he upset the Pharisees when, for example, he picked grain on the Sabbath: there would be a modern parallel I'm sure- you'd find Jesus at a Politicians Birthday party (the modern day tax collectors wedding feast?) enjoying himself and preaching the kingdom to those who would listen, hell, I'm sure of it.

Joni's done some funny things these past few days. Yesterday I thought I'd try and get her to say "Joni", because she always pronounces her name "Noni", although she can say "J" perfectly well. So to trick her, we sat in front of her and asked her to:

"Say...Joel!"
"Joel!"
"Say...Joel!"
"Joel!"
"Say...Joe!"
"Joe!"
"Say...Joe!"
"Joe!"
"Say...John!"
"...John!"
"Say...John!"
"John!"
"Say...Joni!"
"NONI!!"

We laughed our heads off at that, and we've repeated it a few times with the same result. When she says Noni, she looks at you really cheekily too, and smiles, it's like she knows she's winding you up! What was weird was that's also the first time she's said my name, and I was sitting in here typing away this morning when I heard a voice shouting from the living rom, "John!", and walking down the passage, "Jo-ohnnnn!", until she came into the room and said it to my face, so weird! On another note, Joni loves her baths so much, we found her in the bath the other day, she'd climbed in herself!

Lapse 2....

Oh dear, well it is the holiday season, so you'll forgive my second lapse in Blogging, I'm sure. We've been away too, to Becky's Mum and Dads, we stayed at the new house on Saturday and Sunday, and helped out at the house-warming yesterday. Can you believe that Becky's Dad BUILT the house? Man, what a man. I mean that too, I can't even put a shelf up, and there Mike is building his own house over a year, with en-suite bathrooms and fitted kitchens and stuff. Wow. I didn't know how to compliment him, how do you compliment someone on building a house? I should have just bowed down to him or something ;-) anyways, I'm not going to do that Christmas blog I mentioned, what Franz said pretty much covered it really. This earthquake that's caused the Tsunamai's in Asia is so Bad, the death toll stands at about 25,000 today but I'm sure that will rise. I know some people who are in Sri-Lanka at the moment, Graham and Gaynor, I hope they're OK!

These are a few of my favourite things....

25, to be precise.

Birthday boy...

Today I am 31, yes: the shortest day of the year, as my Mum is fond of telling me, was the "longest day of her life". I feel that much closer to my deathday, and I'll celebrate that about as much as I celebrate today, that is, I won't. Now the reason I wont may be obvious to you who have been following this narrative, but it may not: it is not clear to me why I did not mark the day out as special. I think though it's (by way of illustration) like the situation some refugees may find themselves in, who flee their country due to war or famine to settle in their new country and end up not returning even when it's OK and safe to do so: my parents escaped from this crumbling and doomed world (maybe it is, maybe it isn't) into the arms of the Jehovah's Witness religion, and part of the belief system of this brand of Christianity in which I was raised involves not celebrating Birthdays.

Now it IS a trivial thing, granted, and this is shown in the fact that I have no desire to celebrate it, to return to the land of my parents (who fled when I was too young to remember that land), having got used to NOT celebrating it. There are no religious grounds for not doing so, you understand, and to be truthful, there never WAS any Biblical grounds for not doing so. The only bad effect I suppose it's had on me when I was a child is the cumulative effect of this and other beliefs that made me "different", and my (taught and encouraged) attitude to "worldly" people: these two things, my beliefs and my attitude, made me feel superior (how can you not feel this way when you are taught that THEY, the non-witnesses, are all going to die at Armageddon and you will survive?) to my fellow school children, although these feelings were masked in genuine (I believed) humility. And so I could never really make friends with them (and was encouraged not to).

I find this disgusting now of course, much worse than the celebration or non-celebration of a holiday, and even if I allow my Daughter to be brought up in the witness belief system NOT celebrating this and other holidays, I won't let her adopt the "superior" attitude I had.

The reason most (all?) people celebrate their Birthday is because that's what people have ALWAYS done and it's what people do NOW, and that's never a reason to do something, especially if it's wrong. Yet what's wrong with celebrating it?! I can understand the witnesses view on Christmas a little bit more (more on that in a few days) but the reasons given for abstaining from birthdays have NEVER convinced me. Do they convince you? Only if you have a closed mind on the subject, I promise you. Here are the reasons, from a Watchtower of October 15, 1999:


"...The Bible directs us to commemorate the date of Jesus' death, not the anniversary of his or anyone else's birth. Doing so accords with Ecclesiastes 7:1 and the fact that how a faithful person's life turns out is more important than the day of his birth. The Bible has no record that any faithful servant celebrated his birthday. It records birthday celebrations of pagans, linking these occasions with cruel acts. Let us get the background of those birthday anniversaries.
The first is the birthday of the Pharaoh in Joseph's day. (Genesis 40:20-23) In this regard, the article on birthdays in Hastings' encyclopediaædia of Religion and Ethics begins: "The custom of commemorating the day of birth is connected, in its form, with the reckoning of time, and, in its content, with certain primitive religious principles." Later, the encyclopedia quotes Egyptologist Sir J. Gardner Wilkinson, who wrote: "Every Egyptian attached much importance to the day, and even to the hour of his birth; and it is probable that, as in Persia, each individual kept his birthday with great rejoicings, welcoming his friends with all the amusements of society, and a more than usual profusion of the delicacies of the table."
Another birthday celebration mentioned in the Bible is Herod's, at which John the Baptist was beheaded. (Matthew 14:6-10) The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia (1979 edition) provides this insight: "The pre-Hellenistic Greeks celebrated the birthdays of gods and prominent men. G[ree]k genéthlia designated these celebrations, while genésia meant a celebration commemorative of the birthday of a deceased important individual. In 2 Macc[abees] 6:7 we find reference to a monthly genéthlia of Antiochus IV, during which the Jews were forced to partake of the sacrifices. . . . When Herod celebrated his birthday he was acting in accord with a Hellenistic custom; there is no evidence for the celebration of birthdays in Israel in pre-Hellenistic times."
Admittedly, true Christians today are not preoccupied with the roots and possible ancient religious connections of every practice or custom, but neither are they inclined to ignore pointed indications that do exist in God's Word. This includes that the only birthday celebrations of Biblical record are of pagans and linked to instances of cruelty. Hence, the Scriptures clearly place birthday celebrations in a negative light, a fact that sincere Christians do not disregard.
Consequently, while it is entirely a private matter if Christians choose to take note of their wedding anniversary, there are good reasons why mature Christians abstain from celebrating birthdays."


Well, there you go. Franz puts my thoughts on the matter better than I do, see if this makes sense to you (only read on if you are OK with reading ap*state material):


"Much is made of the pagan origin of [Birthdays]...yet any "pagan" significance these may have once had has long since disapeared...today we use the names of the days of the week and months of the year without the slightest thought to their "pagan origin"....most persons are unaware of their "pagan" source, this is similarly true of the various customs connected with many holidays. Whilst placing intense focus on the "pagan origin" factor, the Watchtower organization simply glosses over this in other areas, as in the use of wedding rings. Their own publication ("What has Religion done for Mankind?" p276,277) quotes cardinal Newman as saying "the ring in marriage" is among those things that are of "pagan origin, sanctified by their adoption into the Church" yet almost all witnesses use this ring...Persons amongst the witnesses have been disfellowshipped for celebrating birthdays. The core of the argument seems to be based upon the principle of guilt by association-that because only Pharoah and Herod are mentioned in the Scriptures as celebrating birthdays, and because these were wicked men, therefore the celebration of birthdays is wicked also. This is certainly a forced conclusion. If, as an illustration, the Scriptures had no reference to marriage feasts other than the marriage feasts held by two pagans or non-Christians (perhaps with some coincedental drunkenness or immorality occuring)-would that make marriage feasts something unfit for Christians? The Watchtower employs quotations about the absence of any Birthday celebrations by Jews or Christians...did [these Jews and Christians] celebrate wedding anniversaries? Would the fact that they didn't rule out our doing so today? Many witnesses do celebrate anniversaries. The idea advanced that Birthday celebrations are intrinsically an "idolizing" of the person is an unrealistic categorization. Couples who celebrate a wedding anniversary are not idolozing themselves nor idolizing their marriage. Like so many other things, it is the way in which things are done, the spirit shown, and this can vary widely. Nowhere in the scriptures is there disapproval of birthday celebrations per se. They are silent in that respect. It is a case of men presuming to know God's thinking and making judgements and rulings that God has not made...to attribute such grave seriousness to these matters as though of life and death importance goes beyond what Christian teaching authorizes."

Ssshhhh....

Kylie Minogue was on the TV today, and Joni was enthralled watching her dance, her eyes were glued to the TV. Well, she had said she needed to use the toilet before Kylie came on, so I said to her, "Joni, you want a wee-wee?" and she said, not taking her eyes off the box, "Sssshhhh" to me! I couldn't believe my ears, so I asked her again, and got the same reply! The cheeky little madam, just gone 20 Months and telling me to shush!!!

Calpol...

What do you find yourself leaving the house for at 3:40 AM in the bitter cold to drive 5 miles to buy from a 24hr garage (hint: there's no party going on and your little girl is suffering the worst teething pain ever)?



So we didn't get much sleep last night, maybe 2 hours? Poor thing. Mind you, driving to the garage was eventful: I saw a fox run right in front of the car, it was beautiful; and Father Christmas (or someone impersonating him?) walking back along the long dark stretch of road between Redcar and Marske. Maybe he'd been clubbing.

Can this day get worse? Rest in peace Suprnova - that was the page that was displayed to the world today, preserved for posterity on my site (not that I ever used Suprnova of course....)

Nice...

Whenever Joni likes something, like a dress or a biscuit or what have you, she'll always say "mmm, nice!" and Becky told me that the other day she walked in with a little cup of water, drinking from it and saying "mmm, nice!"- but Becky hadn't give her the cup, and where had the water come from? Becky followed her as she went to get some more: Joni walked into the Bathroom, leaned right over into the Toilet with the cup, and scooped up some more delicious water...."mmm, nice!"

Brian is my friend...

...of long standing, and we cemented our friendship last night with a fair amount of alcohol, enough to leave me in a quasi-queasy state all day. And what DIDN'T we talk about? Well, the horses, or grayhounds, or the Weather, to mention but a few things we didn't mention. To use a phrase a mutual (I would like to think) friend once coined or used himself, we should have had a sign hung above our little spot in the pub saying "Bullshit Corner".

Here's what we talked about: Brian can fill in the gaps?: As if anybody's interested: about his teacher training, I think that's about where we started. The sort of person that is "ideal" for that sort of job, as Brian put it, would spend all day with the kids and then bring in a piece of work for the class she'd worked on all night (and it would be laminated) - it's funny how I used "she'd" in this sentence, a Freudian slip? The sort of person that is good at their job, in my opinion, IS their job, which is why the likes of Brian and myself will never be good at our jobs. To me, you take off your job "hat" when you walk out of the classroom, or boardroom, or whatever. You just can't really MAKE it though if that's your attitude. I say it's a good one: to be a human being is not to specialize, but to generalize, to be "well read" is not just to read one book over and over. To live well is to know a bit of everything, but especially to know you don't know that much about anything and the most important questions in Life, they're the ones worth worrying over and worth putting time into. If you can keep your sanity. I can just hear somebody shouting "You can KEEP your sanity, I'm going to get to the bottom of this!". Anyways. I agreed with Brian and assured him I was exactly the same in my job in the civil service, for Seven years I tried to be happy being a bog-standard worker but they always want more than just your (mere) time. The feeling I get when I consider the efforts of people to be good at their job (the laminators of this world) is like someone's pulling a plug out inside me: I don't understand it, I feel like there's something missing in me, and my enthusiasm just disappears. I do understand that if everyone was like me, the world (as it is) would probably fall apart, but I can't help feeling there's something positive about not viewing yourself as BEING something that has a definite role, something elevating and godlike: not "I'm a shovel, therefore I dig": more "I think, therefore I am, but as to what I AM, I'm not too sure!" Part of the answer to this "problem" could be something we discussed for most of the night.

Brian and myself both having "had the answers" to all Lifes questions, being part of the same fundamentalist religion, now both believe we didn't have them. What can take that place? When you've considered the "world" and it's vocations as "so much refuse" as Paul put it, when you've considered the pursuit of a career as being equivalent to wanting to work on the Titanic, what can make you think completely the opposite, what can fill the gap left by the job of working for God, with eternal life as the pay? Nothing. We've been institutionalized by our religion of many years, and we're having a hard time coming to terms with being citizens of this world, even being neighbours to the people next door to us. That's about the best I can put it. And when you've had the "big picture" view all your life, you really can't shake it, it's hard mustering up the desire to laminate when "we're all going to Die and probably be non-existent forever and ever".

We of course talked lots more about philosophy, religion and the Bible, what better things are there to talk about? I mentioned the website I had come across here and particularly the section on slavery which begins here. This site presents the Bible in a pictorial way, by the use of Lego! In keeping with my current quest to (proudly forging ahead in my foolish wisdom of men way) understand things MYSELF, and come to my OWN conclusions about things, I must admit I didn't check to see whether there existed a "Questions from readers" relating to the scriptures mentioned, believing that no answer could satisfy me, though ANY answer used to (the mentality being: "They've addressed the question, so they've answered the question"). How come it was such a "loving" thing for a master to let his slaves go, when they couldn't take their wife and kids with them? How come we never heard THAT before? And (this gets me) what is a human Life worth? Thirty pieces of silver? No, shouts the devout, that's disgusting: look here in the "Word" and see how it condemns that view! Well, erm, sorry but what other view can you come away with when the Bible also says that if a SLAVE dies (a slave's life, you will grant, is worth as much as the next mans) at his masters hand, as long as he doesn't die straight away, but dies 24 hours or more later, the master is not to be punished, because he's (basically) "lost his money"? He's lost his MONEY? Then the Bible is saying that the human life in this case equates to that monetary value, say, thirty pieces of Silver. There is no other way of looking at it, and I hate to say it, but if any government today allowed slavery and allowed Laws like that, we wouldn't be making improvements, would we? How then is the Law "perfect"? It pains me to say it, believe me.

We also talked briefly about the reactions of people still within the bounds of our former religion to ourselves, or more particularly, to any remark we may offer that would question their beliefs (I have to be careful how I phrase this), but by way of illustration, say I had sent the above remarks on the scriptures discussing slavery to a friend who sticks to the "way", he would feel obliged, even though that person be otherwise very intelligent and rational, to argue the case "for the defense", though there be no such case to a reasonable person (which he on any other subject WOULD be). This made me think of a comparison between the Lawyer, who's JOB it is to defend the sometimes indefensible, and the Devout, who's JOB it is to defend the Bible and his particular Religion, at any cost! "This is what I get paid for!" they both say, and one is looking to be paid a hell of a lot more than the other! Believe it or not, peoples actions actually show this to be true. "The Bible can't be wrong, and neither can my Religion which is based on it": see my previous posting of the quotes by Raymond Franz, one of which I think is the one where he states that there's no admission of any PRESENT wrongs within Jehovah's Witnesses, and although some veiled admissions of error are made respecting PAST statements or beliefs, it is the duty of the present Christian to view and act as if all PRESENT doctrine is infallible or face Disfellowshipping: this must be the case because any prolonged questioning of the rightness of current beliefs and you end up being Disfellowshipped!

It was a good night, made even better (strangely) by us missing the last train home and having to walk the two hours back. There are many other things we talked about and, perhaps, the web could not contain the blogs that could be written about it... ;-)

Lapse...

My first lapse! I didn't post a blog, since Monday. Is this the wedges thin end? I say, no! However I should make this a slightly larger post to cover my sins of inaction. Let's see. Joni's done some funny things Today and Yesterday: I had the weighing scales on the floor in the bedroom, something to do with E-bay for Bex, and we were sitting in the living room when in came Joni with the plastic tray from the scales - saying "wee-wee"! You can guess what was in the tray....and Yesterday, Joni got a bath, and I (as usual) was the big bad daddy who had the right and power to squirt her to death with one of her toys (it's a plastic thing with a hole in, great for squirting!): but she worked out how to do it, and I joke not, she drenched me and Becky, we both had to change our clothes, so let the reader use discernment: show ye no mercy and to thee no mercy will be shown! And the strange end to yesterday came when I was checking out a build up of ice underneath our new (second-hand, from Jan and Laurie) fridge-freezer. I somehow managed to rip my jeans, right under my knee-cap. That's odd, I thought. Then a few minutes later I noticed my leg felt all wet. That's odd, I thought. Then I looked down and saw a wet patch from my knee to the bottom of my jeans. That's...bloody hell...rolling my jeans up to see a leg that you don't normally see outside of a casualty ward! When it eventually stopped bleeding, I managed to find the shard of glass on the kitchen floor responsible for my pain. It sort of made it worth it to be nursed by Becky, I'm not a very brave boy when it comes to these sorts of things... ;-) and that's pretty much it, no great observations for these past few days - except I believe (this isn't out of the blue but I won't elaborate) the artists hope for fame is like the devouts hope for glory-who knows what chance each has of attaining it, and how? And if no hope or glory is to be had, which is the case (for instance) for all artists (so much so that the exceptions are negligible) : better no hope than a false hope.

Deflated...

Today I felt like how a balloon must feel the day after a wedding. I can't work out why, I didn't do anything strenuous or exciting yesterday. I couldn't bring myself to do any work for Uni whatsoever. I had Joni this morning whilst Bex went to work (Citizens Advice). That was fun! This evening we didn't have a film to watch so we listened to the first two "Great Ideas of Philosophy" (TTC) lectures, and they were very interesting. The lecturers (Daniel Robinson's) view on why the Greeks seemed to have "invented" Philosophy was enlightening: it wasn't their diet (lots of fish!) or the climate (lots of sun!) or even their ennui (lots of time on their hands with their slaves doing their work!); no, but he ascribes it (and I agree with him) to the lack of a state "religion", and (related to this) that though the Greeks were religious, they did not hold questions on human matters (what is the purpose of Life for example) to be in the domain of the "priest", they did not hold that somebody or something else decided these things FOR them. I was struck by this because it's certainly the case that the purest search for Truth (at any cost) can only come (in my experience) when you allow no-one to decide on these things for you, however much easier this may be on your mind and your time! I thought we'd start on these lectures because my friend Brian said they're the best he's heard (by TTC) so far. Found some great forums for debating the big issues such as those addressed by Philosophy at http://www.able2know.com/forums/ and (huge) http://www.iidb.org/vbb/index.php.

Bib...

The past few days, Joni's been saying "bib" after everything she says, it was cute at first but now it's annoying. Well it was annoying until Becky worked out what she's actually been saying: Joni does say bib, when pushing her pram foor example, meaning "get out of my way!", but what she's actually been saying is what me and Becky always say to each other, i.e. "blah blah blah...babe"! It's so funny hearing Joni call her Mum and me BABE!!

Joni's not well at the moment, she's full of cold, but we wrapped her up warm and took her for a walk around Coatham Marsh, the lovely wild wetlands just outside Redcar, horribly surrounded by the Redcar works (one of the biggest chemical plants in Europe). Here's a nice pic of Me and Noni, taken today.

Faster!

Just found out today that NTL (my ISP) are increasing the speed of my broadband connection; sometime in the first three Months of next year, without my having to lift a finger, I'll be flying along at 2Mbps instead of 750Kbps! Read about it here.

Suds on the roof...

We watched a special edition of "The Shawshank Redemption" the other night, it reminded me what a great piece of cinema it is. One of my all time favourite moments in any film is the bit where the convicts are tarring the roof of some building, and Andy manages to make a deal with a guard (THE guard) to get them all some beers...I like that bit so much, the whole atmosphere of freedom briefly enjoyed, the inspiring voice over by Morgan Freeman, the uplifting Music (especially the Music) by Thomas Newman. Apparently when they filmed it some of the film crew were actually crying...well I like it so much I've put it online here, it's 5MB (just under) but remind yourself how good that bit is...

University..

Thought I'd say something about where I'm at with my studies. I've just handed in the Formal methods 2 assignment-it felt like handing over a heavy weight that I'd been carrying around for weeks, what a relief!-and now have another assignment to start, databases, and two exams to look forward to. Here's the sort of thing I did in formal methods 2, a link to this years Database assignment, a link to last years exam for Networks, and last years for Object technology- any tips?! ;-)

MACHINE university
INCLUDES uglobals, students, courses, modules
PROMOTES join, withdraw, enrol, disenrol, suspendstudies, create, provide, shut, add, removereq, getpasses
INVARIANT

/*" Students can only follow created courses:"*/
Followed <: Created &
/*" Only created courses can be completed by students:"*/
Completed <: Created &
/*" Only registered students can enrol on modules:"*/
Enrollees <: Students &
/*" Students can only study modules for which they have passed all the necessary prequisites:"*/
(studies;requires) <: haspassed &
/*" Students can only study modules they need to complete their course:"*/
studies <: (follows;needs) &
/*" Students can only complete courses for which they have passed all the modules needed:"*/
(hascompleted;needs) <: haspassed

OPERATIONS

pass(pp,mm) =
PRE
pp : PERSON & pp : Students &
mm : MODULE &
mm : Modules &
mm : Diet(pp) &
{pp->mm} /\ haspassed = {}
THEN
IF Needed(follows(pp)) - Passes(pp) = {mm} & Diet(pp) - {mm} = {} THEN
finalpass(pp,mm)
ELSE
nonfinalpass(pp,mm)
END
END ;

require(mm,pm) =
PRE
mm : MODULE &
pm: MODULE &
mm : Modules &
pm : Modules &
mm /= pm &
needs~[{mm}] = needs~[{pm}] &
(studies;requires \/ {mm->pm}) <: haspassed &
dom(studies > {mm}) <: dom(haspassed > {pm}) &
cycles(requires \/ {mm->pm}) = {}
& Class(mm) = {}
THEN
Xrequire(mm,pm)
END
END

The Devil walks...

I forgot to say, one of the books I really wanted to get hold of but couldn't quite stretch to on those gift vouchers, I found on Saturday in a second hand shop in Whitby for £1.50! "The Master and Margarita" by Bulgakov, which I've started today, it's already hooked me too, with its descriptions (a story within a story) of the Passion of Christ, his interview with Pilate, as told by somebody who was there (the Devil knows who). I must say it's very embellished, but I think the idea is that the stories we have are embellished, and this is trying to present a story that the author thinks may be closer to the truth? For example, Christ is extremely verbose with Pilate, and condemns Matthew the tax collector for following him around and writing down his version of events , in these words:

'I repeat, but for the last time--stop pretending to be mad, scoundrel,' said Pilate softly and evenly. ' What has been written down about you is little enough, but it is sufficient to hang you.' 'No, no, hegemon,' said the prisoner, straining with the desire to convince. ' This man follows me everywhere with nothing but his goatskin parchment and writes incessantly. But I once caught a glimpse of that parchment and I was horrified. I had not said a word of what was written there. I begged him-- please burn this parchment of yours! But he tore it out of my hands and ran away.'

Controversial words such as these, when applied to the Bible, are called Blasphemy, and I can't say I buy this fictional account (just as some can't buy the Bibles), but it makes for interesting reading.

It's all online here.

WE.

I've just finished reading "We" by Zamyatin, one of the books I bought with those vouchers. What a book! And what an influence it had on 1984, every few pages you think "you nicked that too, Orwell!" but that doesn't take anything away from that amazing book. Here's just two bits I enjoyed:

"Name me the final number, the highest, the greatest."
"But that's absurd! If the number of numbers is infinite, how can there be a final number?"
"Then how can you speak of a final revolution? There is no final one. Revolutions are infinite...
[but if this was the final revolution, then what]?"
"Then nothing, finished! All through the universe, evenly spread, everywhere..."
"Aha...evenly, everywhere! That is precisely what we're talking about-entropy, psychological entropy. Surely you see that only differences, differences of temperature, only contrasts in degrees of heat, only that makes for life? And if throughout the universe all bodies are equally warm, or equally cool...You've got to smash them into each other-so there'll be fire, explosion,inferno. And we-we're going to smash them."


Do you believe that you will die? Yes, man is mortal, I am man: hence... No, this is not what I mean. I know that you know this. I am asking: have you ever really believed it; believed it totally, not with your mind, but with your body; have you ever felt that one day the fingers holding this very page will be icy, yellow...No of course you don't believe it-which is the reason why, up to now, you haven't jumped from the tenth floor to the pavement, why you've gone on eating, turning pages, shaving, smiling, writing...

Floating...

I had the strangest thought as I awoke this morning, in the black hours before dawn, about 5am. I couldn't get back to sleep, but I had this strange dreamlike idea in the darkness that Becky was (or would be) floating up into the air, away from me, in a "rapture" I think, the calling of the saved to heaven. Which is weird because Becky doesn't believe that any more than I do! But here's the thing: I was stuck to the ground (well I wasn't floating off) and Joni was in my arms. You know what I did? I threw Joni into the air towards Becky, who caught her. But this sort of arrested her transit: she hung there like a ball thrown into the air will hang motionless at the split second gravity is about equal to its upward velocity, and (this is the unanswered question), whether it was because she had Joni in her arms, or because she was looking at me longingly (she had previously been looking heavenwards), having had to look at me when I was throwing Joni...she floated gently back down to me, and we embraced as a family.

Wow. Well, I keep thinking of that bit in "Charlie and the Chocolate factory" when Charlie and his Grandad are floating up, up, up because they chewed that experimental sweet...but Becky didn't burp to get back down again! I think there's quite a lot of meaning in this silly dream, we were just talking the night before about how we were divided as a family around religious issues, which is very true although Becky see's it to be a bigger division than it actually is (if I am seeing the division through eyes of reason rather than eyes of Faith, so be it). She remains part of the fundamental Christian group in which I was also raised, but have recently (post-wedding day) ceased believing in. Not that I have ceased BELIEVING, you understand, as I'm sure I've pointed out: my faith in an organization of men has collapsed but my Faith in God has not. Becky floating gently back down to Earth (let it be so) was a choice of a Man over God, it was the choice of Eve (and of Adam, who chose Woman over God). This is the greatest sin, and yet it is the easiest to understand, why is this the case? Well, God did not give himself as a companion to Man, he gave Woman, and vice-versa. That is why it is NATURAL to choose the seen over the unseen, the man over the maker.

The Three...

Sibelius, Bergman, Kundera. The Three kings.

Splash...

In the middle of last night, I had a feeling somebody was watching me, I could hear someone breathing to the side of the bed...Joni! It was like something out of a horror film, she was just standing there in the dark staring at me! So it begins, Joni wanting to get in bed with us....and she is SOOOO fidgety, I just can't sleep with her in the bed, I know I'm cruel but I kicked them both out and Mum and Joni went off to sleep in Joni's bed!

I jogged to Redcar East station today, and when I got there, as usual, I walked up and down the platform to "cool off". This time though there was just me on my side, and about forty people on the platform directly opposite: my platform was my stage. Well let's not waste an opportunity! Once I had finished walking up and down, I started to stretch, nothing funny, just stretching my legs, but I heard some young lads sniggering on the opposite platform...well then I did a pose like Superman flying, and started jumping up and down, and seriously, half of the platform burst out laughing. I felt stupid actually, but as long as they enjoyed it. I nearly took a bow...

We went to Robin Hoods bay this afternoon, they were having a "Victorian weekend" as we found out when we got there, it was really busy, and lots of people were in full Victorian costume. "Oooh, nice!!" as Joni said about a little girl in a lovely old outfit. But why take pictures of them when I can take pictures of Joni? We put her welly's on her, and she was so thrilled that we actually LET her splash in the rockpools on the beach. As an aside, she's (in the same week that she's started sleeping in a bed) started telling us whenever she needs the toilet, and so as we walked past a couple on the beach she said (loudly), "Oh, poo-poo, poo-poo!!!!". She experienced her first outdoor wee-wee (as it turned out) behind a rock on Robin-hoods bay beach. Here she is saying "plash, plash!" and doing exactly that...

Joni puzzled...

(See yesterdays Blog)...every morning I usually get Joni up, she stands up (or is already standing up) in her cot waiting to be fetched, and she passes you her dolly and her teddy first, and then lets you get her out. Then she asks for "booksshh" from the shelf, etc.....well this morning (it's good because she didn't get out of her bed during the night as we thought she would) I was making breakfast, and in walks Joni, rubbing her eyes, and she held up her dolly for me to hold-she was so puzzled! It's so sad, but I'm happy at the same time, my little baby is becoming a little girl....

Joni the girl....

Joni climbed out of her cot last night. She's just over 19 Months, and she climbed out of her cot! So Becky's made it into a bed (taken the sides off) and Joni will sleep like a little girl tonight! It's so weird....

Abortion...

Had a few e-mails back and forth with Peter from Uni about abortion/stem cell research, for the lack of anything else decent to say(and I'm soooo knackered from doing my Formal Methods assignment all day in Uni) :

When is a human a human? That is the question, and one person will answer it differently to another. But if a human is a human at conception, then there's no need to proceed with any further moral quandaries, because to terminate it is Murder. That's my view. It reminds me of a bit from Minority report (by P K Dick), this is from a review of the Film online:

"An early scene in the movie displays the thematic importance of free will. Danny Witwer (played by Colin Farrell), a Justice Department official formally inspecting Precrime, raises the "legalistic drawback to Precrime methodology . . . .[W]e are arresting individuals who have broken no law." Anderton responds by rolling a ball across a table, which Witwer catches before it can hit the floor. When Anderton asks Witwer why he caught the ball, the response is that otherwise it would fall to the floor. Witwer smiles, getting the intended analogy, which Anderton underscores: "The fact that you prevented it from happening doesn't change the fact that it was going to happen.""

I think that's a silly illustration but it proves a point, you've prevented the ball (baby?) dropping (pardon the pun), the fact that you value the baby only once it has dropped is no reason to value it's potential (i.e. it's "rolling" state) any less, "The fact that you prevented it from happening doesn't change the fact that it was going to happen.", and in this case that is science fact, not fiction- the baby will be born, unless prevented- the ball started "rolling" at conception...John