The Holiday and stuff...

We had a good time in Scarborough last week, house-sitting for Becky's family as they holidayed in Scotland. It's the "house that Mike built", and as I've said before, it's impressive. To think that you can certainly build your own house and have occupancy...it's so Isaiahian. Well, it takes - it took - a better "man" than me to live that dream. For me it would have to be "get others to build your own house and actually have occupancy". And then lo would I enjoy the fruit of their hands, as I did last week.

The only problem was the weather, it was too damn hot. I mean, 32 degrees, that's just not on! On the walk we enjoyed (pictured below) it was a case of short-term pleasure paid for with long-term pain...we played with fire, and got burnt: yes, our shoulders and backs cooked in the heat of the sun and have been cooling down ever since...it's a week since the walk, and I swear my skins still glowing, the skin that wants to stay on my body that is, and it seems most of it doesn't - what a lovely picture I paint, in fiery-red and flaky-white! And yet I would say it was worth the price - to swim on an almost deserted beach in an almost green sea, an almost warm sea (never in England will you find a truly warm sea), was wonderful. Searching for living treasure in huge rock pools was wonderful - finding crabs and setting them down scuttling over rocks to Joni's screams of "SPIDER! SPIDER!" was wonderful. Seeing, for the first time in my life, an adder - an adder basking on a hot path slither off into undergrowth - was wonderful.

So those were the highlights, and what will stick in our minds about the holiday. On a negative note, we did scrape the car along a bollard in a shop car-park, and taking the car for its test yesterday I was sure we'd be stuck with a big bill - in vain did I fret! The car passed first time. Phew.

As it was a sort of do nothing much holiday, I was able to get through the marvelous book (mentioned in the last blog) which is the authors account of his experiences with the organization of Jehovah's Witnesses. A lot of what he said rang true, as the expression goes, even though it was written nearly 40 years ago. I've put some of the best pages up on these links: 1 2 3 4 5 6. I especially like the comments (34-35) on how Witnesses conduct Bible Studies, and can affirm that this is true, and also, that this "study the society's books and give the society's answers to the society's questions" is the general format a meeting in the Witnesses' church (kingdom hall) takes, so much so that I actually recall - it was so unusual - when someone once, perhaps some 15 years ago, raised their hand at such a "question and answer" meeting and asked a question! "Question and answer" being "we ask the questions and you answer them" obviously. I love the way the society's own words (a very Christ-like method) are used against them (35) - if conformity is mind control, why look outside the society for it?! Cleanse first the inside of the cup, you who would be teachers. Also, how (a very small example from many) the society's views have changed, their interpretations of prophecy molded to fit whatever happens to be the current world situation (80-81) such as the quoted books reference to Russia and America as being central to God's outworking of things...or is this just a reflection of the time it was written? Do the society still view Russia, splintered and weakened, as the all powerful "King of the North?". Who knows. The discussion (146-147) of the evolution of the Bible Students into a business-like organization under president Judge Rutherford, so far removed from what first president Pastor Russell intended, is also enlightening.

Yesterday we went to the hospital to get our first hazy glimpse of what the future - around January 12th as we now know - holds for us, but for one person especially: the little baby in the ultrasound picture below (above the pictures of his/her Mummy, Daddy and Sister ;-). Becky reckons, actually I do too, that it looks like a boy, but who knows...

Books!

Tired, so tired, after a long day - early start too - as I took Becky up to the Witness convention in Newcastle. After doing some shopping errands in Ikea (like the table and chairs? Took me two hours to put it all together!), I moved onto more important matters: the half-price sale in the best second-hand book shop in the UK (that I've been to anyway). Look at the shelves! It's paradise, and look at the books I picked up for £10 - you can click on the pictures to read all about them. Well, except the silly baby names one...and there's not much on the 1975 one either. Finally I'll read the brief history of time! I'm looking forward to all those train journeys back and forward to my placement...(which will interrupt my journeying unfortunately).

The Tank Vs. The Sea...

I feel displaced and lost, and have yet to decide whether the position I find myself in is any better (or worse) than the one I was in previously. As an analogy, I would say that I am a fish, raised in a tank, who suddenly finds himself in the sea.

I had well defined limits to my world previously, now there seem to be none. I had my food provided for me previously (at regular times: I need do nothing), now I must fend for myself. There were no real dangers to me previously, now I am in mortal danger at every moment. How so, all these things?

You know by now that I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. This upbringing gave me the things I describe above: Walls, sustenance and security. Walls: I knew where I stood in the grand scheme of things, I could perceive the very limits of my Universe (and see my provider hazily through the glass) and knew that the moral code that kept me in this position was a protection. Sustenance: “spiritual” food was regular, and I need do nothing to obtain it myself, it was all provided. I need not look for food elsewhere; here were all the answers to religious cravings that I needed - the food for my spiritual hunger, floating down through the water regularly. Security: with the walls came security, oh, great security. Any fish deemed to be harmful to his fellow fish was removed (into the sea!) and more importantly, not only was long life guaranteed within the walls, everlasting life was promised! Nothing scared me, because even death was reversible: what could man do to me, that my provider couldn't undo?

You know by now that I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. This upbringing gave me the things I describe above: Walls, sustenance and security. Walls: I perceived the world as consisting of those in the tank, and those outside it. I perceived what I thought was my maker through the glass, feeding me, when in actuality it was an organisation, human beings only. Sustenance: in effect I gave my reasoning powers into someone else’s hands, I let someone else think for me. The food was actually artificial, man-made, when I thought it was natural and from God. Security: thinking myself so different from other (non-tank) fish, thinking in such a “long term” (myself being indestructible) way, profoundly affects (still) the way I think of others, and of plans, jobs, education, politics, etc etc: all negatively.

I think I’m getting somewhere with this analogy. But the Sea: is it better or worse? Or neither? I think it comes down to what’s important: happiness or truth? If you couldn’t have both, which would you choose? If you could live a truthful, unhappy life would you prefer that to an untruthful, happy one? There’s the rub. I don’t believe the teachings of Witnesses reflect the Bible, but what do I believe then? The walls of the tank gave me a place, now I seem to have no defined place: in fact, what makes things worse is I seem to have lost sight of my creator, because that creator was so tied up with the provider, the organisation of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I can’t seem to place God outside of that context; I no longer believe I see him hazily at all. What do I see? I see no walls, and no food, and I know I am going to die.

The thing is (I’m rambling) the tank was just a “belief”: it wasn’t a concrete thing (but it seemed that way) and so in effect the walls, food, and security were all illusory if I no longer believe in them (for belief in them makes them true, they are not true in themselves, or everybody would believe them. You don’t have to “believe” in facts). It’s like when you read this, you can put yourself in the tank, and in the sea, in an imaginary way (in your “minds eye” you “see” these things) – is this what belief is, a perpetual imagination? In fact it does seem to me that we are all in the sea, it’s just that some people like to shrink their horizons to a manageable size, and lazily – yes, lazily – accept the food that someone else catches for them, as they lie in their small, sheltered little spot. Is that a healthy fish?

I would rather be back in the tank with my family, but how can I when I don’t believe the tank exists anymore? Especially today I wish I could at least physically move myself to the same area as these people, as my wife is at the district convention, and I am alone to muse on my position. I am happy that I can investigate the truth of matters, the big questions, myself: this is the best thing about being in the sea, you get lots of mental exercise catching your food! I’m glad I can go where I please in my investigations, and only have God to answer to (I hope?). I’m not glad I’m going to die, but that was going to happen anyway, wasn’t it? This truly is spiritual freedom, it’s the wild as opposed to the zoo, and I know (I do) that I should feel more at home here in the wild.

I still don’t.

Truth is the most important thing to me, and in this sea, large though it is, perhaps I’ll find it. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe somebody else will, perhaps that will be after I’m dead. Or maybe God himself will appear and tell me what he expects of me – I’ll readily obey. But until that happens, I’ll have fun swimming around trying to figure it out. “But John, God has told you!” I hear the witnesses say. I’d like to quote the president of the Watchtower society (J F Rutherford, 1920, “Millions now living will never die”, p94 onwards):

“The church systems would have the people believe that only those who become church members can be saved. The Bible never taught any such doctrine....says the Apostle Paul: "The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord". (Romans 6:23) There can be no gift without both a giver and a receiver, and this could not operate without knowledge on the part of both. In other words, the giver must intelligently offer the gift to another, and the other must intelligently know of this fact before he can receive it [italics mine (always wanted to say that)] It would be impossible for the human race, therefore, to accept the gift of life everlasting before it is offered. It will be offered only in God's due time and the divine plan shows that his due time is after the seed of promise is developed, after the kingdom is set up; and then each one in his order will be brought to a knowledge of the fact that a plan of redemption exists and that the way is open for him to accept the terms of it and live. Knowledge being essential, it precedes the reception of blessings from the Lord"”

I agree (even though Witnesses now don't). As previously quoted, previous member of the governing body Raymond Franz also agreed:

“During my fifty years of active service, I accompanied thousands of fellow witnesses in many countries as they went from door to door. Only rarely did I feel that what they said to people could qualify as anything approaching an effective witness to Christianity…I cannot believe that a just God would ever judge any human’s worthiness for salvation based upon his or her acceptance or non-acceptance of the door-to-door presentations I have heard-or, for that matter, those I myself made in conforming to the organisations “field service” instructions. The overall mental impression left with listeners is unquestionably that of persons interested in selling religious literature or in advocating their particular sectarian beliefs”

Before you refuse something you need to know what you're refusing - surely the Witnesses really don't believe people know they're refusing everlasting life when they refuse the "magazines" etc? In effect, they do believe exactly that. No, God himself must make this knowledge known, for who will believe a man, or even a book, when there are so many books, so many men, saying so many (different) things about God? God himself needs to clear the matter up himself, so there is no ambiguity (no hazy walls please).

OK. That’s me for today, long time no blog, and now away on hols to Scarborough! Then starting placement on July 4…dreading it.

Phew!

Phew it is, to the last exam I say, begone! And few it is: to the blogs I should have written this past week or two, I say, begone! How did I fare? I don't know. I know that the "Advanced World Wide Web" paper was the hardest I've sat, and I put this down to the teaching of the subject and not the subject (and so does everyone else I've spoken to in the class before you shout anything about bad workmen blaming sour grapes...). The Object Technology 2 exam was also hard, but I think I did OK (and thereby give the kiss of Death to that one...) Time will tell, about a Month of time, and then I'll get my results: and then I'll start my placement. It's weird, no more Uni for 16 Months - and yet I'm still "at Uni"! No more exams, no more assignments either. Can't be bad.

So my brain's fried, I just want to, well, just want to shovel earth or something, which is conincedentally precisely what Becky wants me to do at the allotment (groan); Mikes put up a fence at the back and we need to dig all the enclosed section over and put grass seed down. There's a lot of digging to be done...

Just finished reading "Billions and Billions" by Carl Sagan - what a great book, and what an insightful - even great - person Mr Sagan seems to have been. If only such people were given the power to change things in the world...but power and wisdom (long-sightedness) seem to be not often found together. They seem to be the antithesis of each other. If being "in power" means thinking about the next term, the next election, the current opinion polls and the countries electorate - in other words the here and now - then being wise means thinking in much broader terms, the big picture, the not here and the not now, thinking of how our (in)actions affect those not here - in other countries - and not now - our children and grandchildren. As quoted in the book "We have not inherited the Earth from our ancestors, but have borrowed it from our children". This is especially the case where environmental issues are concerned. As the Bible says, man hasn't the wisdom to "guide his own steps" into the future - so will God guide us, take back what is his? Or is the Bible all the guidance we need? Or neither? How are we to know?

The last chapter in the book is finished by his wife, as Carl passed away whilst writing the book. Here are some quotes from that Chapter:

"“Six times now I have looked death in the face. And Six times Death has averted his gaze and let me pass. Eventually, of course, Death will claim me - as he does each of us ... I've learned much from our confrontations - especially about the beauty and sweet poignancy of life, about the preciousness of friends and family, about the transforming power of love. In fact, almost dying is such a positive, character-building experience that I'd recommend it to everybody - except, of course, for the irreducible and essential element of risk ...I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But as much as I want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is more than wishful thinking ... The world is so exquisite, with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there's little good evidence. Far better, it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look Death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides."” - Carl Sagan

"Contrary to the fantasies of the fundamentalists, there was no deathbed conversion, no last minute refuge taken in a comforting vision of a heaven or an afterlife. For Carl, what mattered most was what was true, not merely what would make us feel better. Even at this moment when anyone would be forgiven for turning away from the reality of our situation, Carl was unflinching. As we looked deeply into each other's eyes, it was with a shared conviction that our wondrous life together was ending forever." - Anne Druyan