The Tank Vs. The Sea...

I feel displaced and lost, and have yet to decide whether the position I find myself in is any better (or worse) than the one I was in previously. As an analogy, I would say that I am a fish, raised in a tank, who suddenly finds himself in the sea.

I had well defined limits to my world previously, now there seem to be none. I had my food provided for me previously (at regular times: I need do nothing), now I must fend for myself. There were no real dangers to me previously, now I am in mortal danger at every moment. How so, all these things?

You know by now that I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. This upbringing gave me the things I describe above: Walls, sustenance and security. Walls: I knew where I stood in the grand scheme of things, I could perceive the very limits of my Universe (and see my provider hazily through the glass) and knew that the moral code that kept me in this position was a protection. Sustenance: “spiritual” food was regular, and I need do nothing to obtain it myself, it was all provided. I need not look for food elsewhere; here were all the answers to religious cravings that I needed - the food for my spiritual hunger, floating down through the water regularly. Security: with the walls came security, oh, great security. Any fish deemed to be harmful to his fellow fish was removed (into the sea!) and more importantly, not only was long life guaranteed within the walls, everlasting life was promised! Nothing scared me, because even death was reversible: what could man do to me, that my provider couldn't undo?

You know by now that I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness. This upbringing gave me the things I describe above: Walls, sustenance and security. Walls: I perceived the world as consisting of those in the tank, and those outside it. I perceived what I thought was my maker through the glass, feeding me, when in actuality it was an organisation, human beings only. Sustenance: in effect I gave my reasoning powers into someone else’s hands, I let someone else think for me. The food was actually artificial, man-made, when I thought it was natural and from God. Security: thinking myself so different from other (non-tank) fish, thinking in such a “long term” (myself being indestructible) way, profoundly affects (still) the way I think of others, and of plans, jobs, education, politics, etc etc: all negatively.

I think I’m getting somewhere with this analogy. But the Sea: is it better or worse? Or neither? I think it comes down to what’s important: happiness or truth? If you couldn’t have both, which would you choose? If you could live a truthful, unhappy life would you prefer that to an untruthful, happy one? There’s the rub. I don’t believe the teachings of Witnesses reflect the Bible, but what do I believe then? The walls of the tank gave me a place, now I seem to have no defined place: in fact, what makes things worse is I seem to have lost sight of my creator, because that creator was so tied up with the provider, the organisation of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I can’t seem to place God outside of that context; I no longer believe I see him hazily at all. What do I see? I see no walls, and no food, and I know I am going to die.

The thing is (I’m rambling) the tank was just a “belief”: it wasn’t a concrete thing (but it seemed that way) and so in effect the walls, food, and security were all illusory if I no longer believe in them (for belief in them makes them true, they are not true in themselves, or everybody would believe them. You don’t have to “believe” in facts). It’s like when you read this, you can put yourself in the tank, and in the sea, in an imaginary way (in your “minds eye” you “see” these things) – is this what belief is, a perpetual imagination? In fact it does seem to me that we are all in the sea, it’s just that some people like to shrink their horizons to a manageable size, and lazily – yes, lazily – accept the food that someone else catches for them, as they lie in their small, sheltered little spot. Is that a healthy fish?

I would rather be back in the tank with my family, but how can I when I don’t believe the tank exists anymore? Especially today I wish I could at least physically move myself to the same area as these people, as my wife is at the district convention, and I am alone to muse on my position. I am happy that I can investigate the truth of matters, the big questions, myself: this is the best thing about being in the sea, you get lots of mental exercise catching your food! I’m glad I can go where I please in my investigations, and only have God to answer to (I hope?). I’m not glad I’m going to die, but that was going to happen anyway, wasn’t it? This truly is spiritual freedom, it’s the wild as opposed to the zoo, and I know (I do) that I should feel more at home here in the wild.

I still don’t.

Truth is the most important thing to me, and in this sea, large though it is, perhaps I’ll find it. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe somebody else will, perhaps that will be after I’m dead. Or maybe God himself will appear and tell me what he expects of me – I’ll readily obey. But until that happens, I’ll have fun swimming around trying to figure it out. “But John, God has told you!” I hear the witnesses say. I’d like to quote the president of the Watchtower society (J F Rutherford, 1920, “Millions now living will never die”, p94 onwards):

“The church systems would have the people believe that only those who become church members can be saved. The Bible never taught any such doctrine....says the Apostle Paul: "The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord". (Romans 6:23) There can be no gift without both a giver and a receiver, and this could not operate without knowledge on the part of both. In other words, the giver must intelligently offer the gift to another, and the other must intelligently know of this fact before he can receive it [italics mine (always wanted to say that)] It would be impossible for the human race, therefore, to accept the gift of life everlasting before it is offered. It will be offered only in God's due time and the divine plan shows that his due time is after the seed of promise is developed, after the kingdom is set up; and then each one in his order will be brought to a knowledge of the fact that a plan of redemption exists and that the way is open for him to accept the terms of it and live. Knowledge being essential, it precedes the reception of blessings from the Lord"”

I agree (even though Witnesses now don't). As previously quoted, previous member of the governing body Raymond Franz also agreed:

“During my fifty years of active service, I accompanied thousands of fellow witnesses in many countries as they went from door to door. Only rarely did I feel that what they said to people could qualify as anything approaching an effective witness to Christianity…I cannot believe that a just God would ever judge any human’s worthiness for salvation based upon his or her acceptance or non-acceptance of the door-to-door presentations I have heard-or, for that matter, those I myself made in conforming to the organisations “field service” instructions. The overall mental impression left with listeners is unquestionably that of persons interested in selling religious literature or in advocating their particular sectarian beliefs”

Before you refuse something you need to know what you're refusing - surely the Witnesses really don't believe people know they're refusing everlasting life when they refuse the "magazines" etc? In effect, they do believe exactly that. No, God himself must make this knowledge known, for who will believe a man, or even a book, when there are so many books, so many men, saying so many (different) things about God? God himself needs to clear the matter up himself, so there is no ambiguity (no hazy walls please).

OK. That’s me for today, long time no blog, and now away on hols to Scarborough! Then starting placement on July 4…dreading it.